Wasting Time in the Self-Help Shelves
Why it’s so hard to say “no” to a pretty cover and a promise.
My best friend Christy and I used to spend hours in Barnes & Noble. Strolling the self-help, wellness, and woo-woo stacks. Flipping through books, collecting guidance. The promise of growth, health, and enlightenment so enticing, we'd buy more than we could ever read.
Now still, the guilty pleasure remains. Whenever I step foot in a bookstore, I swear I won’t buy anything. Only to leave with a fresh pile of books under my arm. Even when I feel bad about buying books and not reading them, I can’t say no to a good title and pretty cover.
As a coach for millennial women who dream of having it all with the real-life awareness that burnout looms around every ambitious corner, I try to walk my talk. I take breaks and take care of myself. I have a morning routine I love and mentors who support me.
Buuuuut, I’ll admit to being stressed more often than I'd like.
Is it perimenopause? Being the mother of three kids ages 3, 7, and 9? Not having a relationship with my own mother? Recovering from a back injury but not getting back to working out?
Nope. It’s because there's no end to my aspiration. No bottom to my hunger for inspiration. No stop to the ideas that spill into my mind, whispering “follow me.”
It's not just books, of course. It’s classes and coaches, creative inclinations, changes to my business, hobbies I might want to pick up, and well-intended promises I make to myself.
After decades of buying books and not finishing them, I definitely don’t need any more. My bookshelves are pretty reminders that I rarely finish what I start.
Searching for the next new thing isn’t inherently bad. It’s just that for so long, I thought the next book would fix me, a new hobby would inspire me, the latest expert would give me the thing I’m missing. That by finding the right one, I’d feel alright about my life.
It does work. For a while. Until the shine fades. Then all I’m left with is the familiar feeling of answers abandoned inside a half-read book. The untapped potential of another hobby I had all the materials for, but no desire to pursue. The disappointment of a business class left unfinished, the clear reason why my reels don’t go viral.
Writing this, I Googled: what's the phrase if you can't learn, teach?
Which now I know is: Those who can’t do, teach.
The internet has opinions about who it’s attributed to and why the phrase is bogus. Either way, what I actually searched is telling. In exploring this idea, I’m excavating a belief that I can’t learn how to stop searching outside myself for answers. But damn, am I good at teaching others how to look within themselves.
Maybe it’s the Projector in me, but coaching has always helped me see the flaws in my own logic. The patterns on other people, so obvious for me to see.
Just like you, I’ve been over-educating, over-committing, people-pleasing, and hyper-fixating on every topic from protein and parenting, to my relationships and career path for years.
Just like you, what I’ve really needed, and occasionally found inside a book, class, or coloring with my three year old, was a quiet moment to uncover the answers within me. A moment to mute the external noise, tune into myself, and really listen.
If you’re with me, it’s not our fault. There’s an endless stream of expert advice that’s convinced us we’re not enough. That there’s always something else to improve or optimize.
The books on the shelves in the self-help section are poking at self-doubt, picking at perfectionism. But what if chasing personal growth is actually pulling you away from yourself? What if real wisdom isn’t found in another five-step framework, but in the quiet knowing that’s already inside you?
Your life, exactly as it is, is worth living. Your self, exactly as you are, is worth enjoying. And yeah, that goes for me too.
If I'm not careful, this endless craving leads to paralyzing inaction. The antidote to the spinning and not finishing is turning to my inner voice.
She reminds me of when I'm being greedy instead of patient. When I'm trying to consume more than I have room for. When I'm filling all the white space instead of leaving room to breathe.
When I listen, I feel the nudges easily. When I look, I can see all the times my inner being and the Universe are there, ready to intervene.
More times than I can count, I’ve found a book gathering dust on my shelves, unread for years, holding the message I needed at that exact moment.
All that book buying wasn’t a waste, it was just ahead of schedule. Eventually, it all clicks into place. Because after enough time, all timing is divine.
Things I haven’t said yet that are part of this conversation:
Quitting is a lifeskill. Especially when something isn’t bringing you joy or bringing you closer to your desires. You can’t know what you like until you try it. But also, it’s okay to leave things unfinished. And, it’s okay to learn how to force yourself to finish. There’s no need to beat yourself up about buying books, hiring coaches, signing up for classes, or exploring new hobbies. Wanting to try new things is good! It supports small businesses and creatives. You’re a grown woman who doesn’t need to crowdsource her decisions or outsource her power anymore. Discernment, the ability to decide if something is for you, is another life skill. One that takes time and practice to develop. The more you know yourself, the more willing you’ll be to try new things, and the easier it will be to know if it’s for you or not. Things serve different purposes at different times. There’s a jolt of joy in buying a new book. Let that be enough. Don’t cover that joy with guilt and the fear or disappointing yourself (or the author) for not finishing. If a book collects enough dust, someone else will find it at the perfect time for them.
Your Ritual Stacks
01/ Revisit a hobby you’ve abandoned. Decide if you want to do it now, another time, or donate it.
02/ Pour yourself a glass of sparkling, find a spot of sunshine to sit in, and journal through your feelings on leaving things unfinished.
03/ Block off white space on your calendar to do nothing but explore an idea, book, class, or hobby you’ve been curious about.
These books sat on my shelves for years before finding me. Now I’m passing them along to you:
I bought this years before I actually read it, but when I did, it was exactly what I needed: a small book that fit into my “personal item” on a flight with reminders not to dim my light. I hate the cover, but love the contents. A potent reminder that your potential is unlimited and your gifts are meaningful.
Margo’s Got Money Problems by Rufi Thorpe
This sat collecting digital dust on my Kindle for who knows how long. But once I started, I couldn’t stop. The writing is wonderful and witty. The story was unexpected and if I knew anything going into it, I’m not sure I’d pick it up. Yet, I found it surprisingly relatable. I only wish I’d slowed down to savor it for a few more days!
I downloaded this audiobook after seeing Grace Atwood recommend it on stories. Being that all we can talk about on the internet is “the algorithm,” it seemed like something I’d enjoy. I didn’t listen to it until I was on a 6-hour drive to Oklahoma months later. It’s a slow burner, with a journalistic exploration on how algorithms are flattening culture and the arts.
Filterworld stacks nicely with Careless People by Sarah Wynn-Williams, a book I read as soon as I had it in my hands (evidence that I do occasionally read things cover to cover). Careless People is a shocking memoir and expose about one of the biggest, most influential companies in our lives.
Neither book convinced me to put my phone down or walk away from these apps. If anything, they made me want to play more. The game is rigged, so instead of trying to win, why not just have fun? Less comparison, more community. Less perfection, more posting.
Less fixing, more living. Online, offline, and at the bookstore.